He who has learned to disagree without being disagreeable has discovered the most valuable secret of negotiation.

Conflict brings out truth, creativity, and resolution.

If you approach a negotiation thinking the other guy thinks like you, you are wrong. That's not empathy, that's a projection.

The beauty of empathy is that it doesn’t demand that you agree with the other person’s ideas.

Hope is not a strategy.

Negotiation is not an act of battle; it’s a process of discovery. The goal is to uncover as much information as possible.

Another simple rule is, when you are verbally assaulted, do not counterattack. Instead, disarm your counterpart by asking a calibrated question.

Research shows that the best way to deal with negativity is to observe it, without reaction and without judgment. Then consciously label each negative feeling and replace it with positive, compassionate, and solution-based thoughts.

Psychotherapy research shows that when individuals feel listened to, they tend to listen to themselves more carefully and to openly evaluate and clarify their own thoughts and feelings.

The positive/playful voice: Should be your default voice. It’s the voice of an easygoing, good-natured person. Your attitude is light and encouraging. The key here is to relax and smile while you’re talking.

The fastest and most efficient means of establishing a quick working relationship is to acknowledge the negative and diffuse it.

By repeating back what people say, you trigger this mirroring instinct and your counterpart will inevitably elaborate on what was just said and sustain the process of connecting.

Playing dumb is a valid negotiating technique.

The last rule of labeling is silence. Once you’ve thrown out a label, be quiet and listen.

Yes,as I always say, is nothing without How?

There are actually three kinds of Yes”: Counterfeit, Confirmation, and Commitment.

I was employing what had become one of the FBI’s most potent negotiating tools: the open-ended question.

No deal is better than a bad deal.

I’ve spent a lot of time talking about the psychological judo that I’ve made my stock in trade: the calibrated questions, the mirrors, the tools for knocking my counterpart off his game and getting him to bid against himself.

This manipulation usually takes the form of something like, We just want what’s fair.

Labeling has a special advantage when your counterpart is tense. Exposing negative thoughts to daylight—It looks like you don’t want to go back to jail”—makes them seem less frightening.

The Black Swan symbolizes the uselessness of predictions based on previous experience. Black Swans are events or pieces of knowledge that sit outside our regular expectations and therefore cannot be predicted.

Setting boundaries. Your response must always be expressed in the form of strong, yet empathic, limit-setting boundaries—that is, tough love—not as hatred or violence.

Great negotiators are able to question the assumptions that the rest of the involved players accept on faith or in arrogance, and thus remain more emotionally open to all possibilities, and more intellectually agile to a fluid situation.

But let me cut the list even further: it’s best to start with what,how,and sometimes why.

Instead ask, Is now a bad time to talk?Either you get Yes, it is a bad timefollowed by a good time or a request to go away, or you get No, it’s notand total focus.

If you approach a negotiation thinking that the other guy thinks like you, you’re wrong,I say. That’s not empathy; that’s projection.

Remember, never be so sure of what you want that you wouldn’t take something better. Once you’ve got flexibility in the forefront of your mind you come into a negotiation with a winning mindset.

Then say, Okay, I apologize. Let’s stop everything and go back to where I started treating you unfairly and we’ll fix it.

“Splitting the difference is wearing one black and one brown shoe, so don’t compromise. Meeting halfway often leads to bad deals for both sides.”

“As a negotiator you should always be aware of which side, at any given moment, feels they have the most to lose if negotiations collapse.”

​Prepare, prepare, prepare. When the pressure is on, you don’t rise to the occasion; you fall to your highest level of preparation.

Prepare an Ackerman plan. Before you head into the weeds of bargaining, you’ll need a plan of extreme anchor, calibrated questions, and well-defined offers. Remember: 65, 85, 95, 100 percent. Decreasing raises and ending on nonround numbers will get your counterpart to believe that he’s squeezing you for all you’re worth when you’re really getting to the number you want.

promise you that they will feel awkward and artificial at first, but keep at it. Learning to walk felt awfully strange, too.

The beauty of empathy is that it doesn’t demand that you agree with the other person’s ideas

People in close relationships often avoid making their own interests known and instead compromise across the board to avoid being perceived as greedy or self-interested. They fold, they grow bitter, and they grow apart. We’ve all heard of marriages that ended in divorce and the couple never fought.

The sweetest two words in any negotiation are actually: That’s right.

The language of negotiation is primarily a language of conversation and rapport: a way of quickly establishing relationships and getting people to talk and think together. Which is why when you think of the greatest negotiators of all time, I’ve got a surprise for you—think Oprah Winfrey.

“The intention behind most mirrors should be “Please, help me understand.” Every time you mirror someone, they will reword what they’ve said. They will never say it exactly the same way they said it the first time. Ask.”

Sometimes people should observe things around them and the best way to deal with negativity is and without even reacting to the situation.

Hope is not a strategy.

What could they give that would almost get us to do it for free?

The mirroring instinct and your counterpart will be inevitably elaborate and it will be repeated back by the people.

Every negotiation should start with “No”

Negotiation as you’ll learn it here is nothing more than communication with results.

Sometimes your attitude should be very easy and they should be encouraging sometimes.

SuperSummary guides are very thorough, accurate, and easy to understand and navigate. The information is chapter specific and so it's easy to target certain things.

Instead ask, “Is now a bad time to talk?” Either you get “Yes, it is a bad time” followed by a good time or a request to go away, or you get “No, it’s not” and total focus.

You’re going to have to embrace regular, thoughtful conflict as the basis of effective negotiation—and of life.

“No” is not failure. Used strategically it’s an answer that opens the path forward.

“When the pressure is on, you don’t rise to the occasion – you fall to your highest level of preparation.”

There are certain situations in which you won’t demand the idea of the other person and this is one of the beautiful things that you can have.

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“People will take more risks to avoid a loss than to realize a gain. Make sure your counterpart sees that there is something to lose by inaction.”

“Bite your tongue. When you’re attacked in a negotiation, pause and avoid angry emotional reactions.”