Never Split the Difference
What’s inside
Never Split the Difference provides an insightful look into principles of effective negotiation. Written from the perspective of the former FBI hostage negotiator, Chris Voss, the book lays out his approach towards high-stakes negotiations and offers a few key lessons that we can incorporate in our daily routines. Voss provides tools to navigate more common negotiations like job offers, salaries, big purchases, and everyday meetings. This book is more about emotional intelligence and effective listening, than it is about anything else.
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Lesson 1. Active listening: the key to successful negotiations.
Negotiation begins with the universally applicable premise that people want to be accepted and understood. Listening is the cheapest, yet most effective concession we can make to get there. We often make the mistake of considering negotiation to be a passive activity. Chris Voss clarifies that listening is one of the most active things that a person can do.
Who has the power in a negotiation: the person talking, or the person listening? Chris Voss argues that of course it’s the listener, because they are getting more information that they can put to use.When entering a negotiation, experts hold multiple possible hypotheses about their counterpart’s wants. They then use each new psychological insight and piece of information that their opponent reveals to narrow down which hypothesis is true. A negotiator has to begin with listening and validating the emotions of his counterpart. It is very important that the negotiator makes his counterpart feel safe while conversing with him.
Often, people enter a negotiation viewing it as a battle between two arguments. Instead of listening to the cues and clues of their opponent, they listen to the arguments and counterarguments they are conducting in their head. Consequently, to get ahead when entering a negotiation, it is necessary to focus on what the other person is saying instead of prioritizing one’s own argument.
We negotiate every day: with our loved ones, friends, colleagues, clients, and more. Voss teaches us how being more empathetic and a better listener can not only make us much more pleasant discussion partners, but also much more effective in reaching our goals. In business, negotiation skills are important in both informal day-to-day interactions and formal transactions such as negotiating conditions of sale, lease, service delivery, and other legal contracts.
Lesson 2. Building trust with your counterpart.
Negotiation involves listening, making it about the other people, validating their emotions, and creating enough trust and safety for a real conversation to begin. The goal of a negotiator is to identify what your counterpart actually needs, and get them feeling safe enough to talk about what they want. Mirroring is a way of making people feel more comfortable and safer. There are several techniques that a negotiator can employ. For example, he can try repeating the last three words, or the most important three words, of what their counterpart just said. He can make the speed and pitch of his voice somewhat similar to that of the latter. And even subtly mimic the physical movements of the counterpart.
To be effective, the negotiator should adopt a positive, playful voice that
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Famous quotes from Never Split the Difference
- He who has learned to disagree without being disagreeable has discovered the most valuable secret of negotiation. -Christopher Voss, -Tahl Raz
- Conflict brings out truth, creativity, and resolution. -Christopher Voss, -Tahl Raz
- If you approach a negotiation thinking the other guy thinks like you, you are wrong. That's not empathy, that's a projection. -Christopher Voss, -Tahl Raz
- The beauty of empathy is that it doesn’t demand that you agree with the other person’s ideas. -Christopher Voss, -Tahl Raz
- Hope is not a strategy. -Christopher Voss, -Tahl Raz
- Negotiation is not an act of battle; it’s a process of discovery. The goal is to uncover as much information as possible. -Christopher Voss, -Tahl Raz
- Another simple rule is, when you are verbally assaulted, do not counterattack. Instead, disarm your counterpart by asking a calibrated question. -Christopher Voss, -Tahl Raz
- Research shows that the best way to deal with negativity is to observe it, without reaction and without judgment. Then consciously label each negative feeling and replace it with positive, compassionate, and solution-based thoughts. -Christopher Voss, -Tahl Raz
- Psychotherapy research shows that when individuals feel listened to, they tend to listen to themselves more carefully and to openly evaluate and clarify their own thoughts and feelings. -Christopher Voss, -Tahl Raz
- The positive/playful voice: Should be your default voice. It’s the voice of an easygoing, good-natured person. Your attitude is light and encouraging. The key here is to relax and smile while you’re talking. -Christopher Voss, -Tahl Raz
- The fastest and most efficient means of establishing a quick working relationship is to acknowledge the negative and diffuse it. -Christopher Voss, -Tahl Raz
- By repeating back what people say, you trigger this mirroring instinct and your counterpart will inevitably elaborate on what was just said and sustain the process of connecting. -Christopher Voss, -Tahl Raz
- Playing dumb is a valid negotiating technique. -Christopher Voss, -Tahl Raz
- The last rule of labeling is silence. Once you’ve thrown out a label, be quiet and listen. -Christopher Voss, -Tahl Raz
- Yes,as I always say, is nothing without How? -Christopher Voss, -Tahl Raz
- There are actually three kinds of Yes”: Counterfeit, Confirmation, and Commitment. -Christopher Voss, -Tahl Raz
- I was employing what had become one of the FBI’s most potent negotiating tools: the open-ended question. -Christopher Voss, -Tahl Raz
- No deal is better than a bad deal. -Christopher Voss, -Tahl Raz
- I’ve spent a lot of time talking about the psychological judo that I’ve made my stock in trade: the calibrated questions, the mirrors, the tools for knocking my counterpart off his game and getting him to bid against himself. -Christopher Voss, -Tahl Raz
- This manipulation usually takes the form of something like, We just want what’s fair. -Christopher Voss, -Tahl Raz
- Labeling has a special advantage when your counterpart is tense. Exposing negative thoughts to daylight—It looks like you don’t want to go back to jail”—makes them seem less frightening. -Christopher Voss, -Tahl Raz
- The Black Swan symbolizes the uselessness of predictions based on previous experience. Black Swans are events or pieces of knowledge that sit outside our regular expectations and therefore cannot be predicted. -Christopher Voss, -Tahl Raz
- Setting boundaries. Your response must always be expressed in the form of strong, yet empathic, limit-setting boundaries—that is, tough love—not as hatred or violence. -Christopher Voss, -Tahl Raz
- Great negotiators are able to question the assumptions that the rest of the involved players accept on faith or in arrogance, and thus remain more emotionally open to all possibilities, and more intellectually agile to a fluid situation. -Christopher Voss, -Tahl Raz
- But let me cut the list even further: it’s best to start with what,how,and sometimes why. -Christopher Voss, -Tahl Raz
- Instead ask, Is now a bad time to talk?Either you get Yes, it is a bad timefollowed by a good time or a request to go away, or you get No, it’s notand total focus. -Christopher Voss, -Tahl Raz
- If you approach a negotiation thinking that the other guy thinks like you, you’re wrong,I say. That’s not empathy; that’s projection. -Christopher Voss, -Tahl Raz
- Remember, never be so sure of what you want that you wouldn’t take something better. Once you’ve got flexibility in the forefront of your mind you come into a negotiation with a winning mindset. -Christopher Voss, -Tahl Raz
- Then say, Okay, I apologize. Let’s stop everything and go back to where I started treating you unfairly and we’ll fix it. -Christopher Voss, -Tahl Raz
- “Splitting the difference is wearing one black and one brown shoe, so don’t compromise. Meeting halfway often leads to bad deals for both sides.” -Christopher Voss, -Tahl Raz
- “As a negotiator you should always be aware of which side, at any given moment, feels they have the most to lose if negotiations collapse.” -Christopher Voss, -Tahl Raz
- Prepare, prepare, prepare. When the pressure is on, you don’t rise to the occasion; you fall to your highest level of preparation. -Christopher Voss, -Tahl Raz
- Prepare an Ackerman plan. Before you head into the weeds of bargaining, you’ll need a plan of extreme anchor, calibrated questions, and well-defined offers. Remember: 65, 85, 95, 100 percent. Decreasing raises and ending on nonround numbers will get your counterpart to believe that he’s squeezing you for all you’re worth when you’re really getting to the number you want. -Christopher Voss, -Tahl Raz
- promise you that they will feel awkward and artificial at first, but keep at it. Learning to walk felt awfully strange, too. -Christopher Voss, -Tahl Raz
- The beauty of empathy is that it doesn’t demand that you agree with the other person’s ideas -Christopher Voss, -Tahl Raz
- People in close relationships often avoid making their own interests known and instead compromise across the board to avoid being perceived as greedy or self-interested. They fold, they grow bitter, and they grow apart. We’ve all heard of marriages that ended in divorce and the couple never fought. -Christopher Voss, -Tahl Raz
- The sweetest two words in any negotiation are actually: That’s right. -Christopher Voss, -Tahl Raz
- The language of negotiation is primarily a language of conversation and rapport: a way of quickly establishing relationships and getting people to talk and think together. Which is why when you think of the greatest negotiators of all time, I’ve got a surprise for you—think Oprah Winfrey. -Christopher Voss, -Tahl Raz
- “The intention behind most mirrors should be “Please, help me understand.” Every time you mirror someone, they will reword what they’ve said. They will never say it exactly the same way they said it the first time. Ask.” -Christopher Voss, -Tahl Raz
- Sometimes people should observe things around them and the best way to deal with negativity is and without even reacting to the situation. -Christopher Voss, -Tahl Raz
- Hope is not a strategy. -Christopher Voss, -Tahl Raz
- What could they give that would almost get us to do it for free? -Christopher Voss, -Tahl Raz
- The mirroring instinct and your counterpart will be inevitably elaborate and it will be repeated back by the people. -Christopher Voss, -Tahl Raz
- Every negotiation should start with “No” -Christopher Voss, -Tahl Raz
- Negotiation as you’ll learn it here is nothing more than communication with results. -Christopher Voss, -Tahl Raz
- Sometimes your attitude should be very easy and they should be encouraging sometimes. -Christopher Voss, -Tahl Raz
- SuperSummary guides are very thorough, accurate, and easy to understand and navigate. The information is chapter specific and so it's easy to target certain things. -Christopher Voss, -Tahl Raz
- Instead ask, “Is now a bad time to talk?” Either you get “Yes, it is a bad time” followed by a good time or a request to go away, or you get “No, it’s not” and total focus. -Christopher Voss, -Tahl Raz
- You’re going to have to embrace regular, thoughtful conflict as the basis of effective negotiation—and of life. -Christopher Voss, -Tahl Raz
- “No” is not failure. Used strategically it’s an answer that opens the path forward. -Christopher Voss, -Tahl Raz
- “When the pressure is on, you don’t rise to the occasion – you fall to your highest level of preparation.” -Christopher Voss, -Tahl Raz
- There are certain situations in which you won’t demand the idea of the other person and this is one of the beautiful things that you can have. -Christopher Voss, -Tahl Raz
- Created by the smartest people around & well-organized so you can explore at will. -Christopher Voss, -Tahl Raz
- “People will take more risks to avoid a loss than to realize a gain. Make sure your counterpart sees that there is something to lose by inaction.” -Christopher Voss, -Tahl Raz
- “Bite your tongue. When you’re attacked in a negotiation, pause and avoid angry emotional reactions.” -Christopher Voss, -Tahl Raz
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Unlock Never Split the Difference Lessons!
- Lesson 1. Active listening: the key to successful negotiations.
- Lesson 2. Building trust with your counterpart.
- Lesson 3. Labeling: An important negotiation tactic.
- Lesson 4. Anticipating negatives in negotiation.
- Lesson 5. The winning strategy in a negotiation.
- Lesson 6. Manipulative tactics for a successful negotiation.
- Lesson 7. Use of calibrated questions and other bargaining strategies.
- Lesson 8. Uncovering “Black Swans” is crucial to the success of a deal.
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FAQs
In the summary of Never Split the Difference book, there are 8 key lessons. These lessons include:
- Lesson 1. Active listening: the key to successful negotiations.
- Lesson 2. Building trust with your counterpart.
- Lesson 3. Labeling: An important negotiation tactic.
- Lesson 4. Anticipating negatives in negotiation.
- Lesson 5. The winning strategy in a negotiation.
- Lesson 6. Manipulative tactics for a successful negotiation.
- Lesson 7. Use of calibrated questions and other bargaining strategies.
- Lesson 8. Uncovering “Black Swans” is crucial to the success of a deal.